THE SPACE BETWEEN Hey parents of teenagers. News flash. Raising teenagers is very difficult. I know, totally shocking, right? I honestly can’t remember a time where a parent of a teenager told me, “I got this! It’s pretty easy.” Most of the time I hear “This is soooo hard!” Being a parent of two teens myself, I can totally echo this. I remember the time when I was their hero. It was like I had a big “D” on my chest for SUPER DAD. Now I just feel like an ATM machine or Uber, while they go off and spend time with their friends. The good news is that we are all in this together. Some situations are more dire than others, but we all can agree that parenting teens is challenging. If there is one thing I notice with parents of teens (especially High Schoolers) is that there is a “separation” that happens as they move through their teenage years. Teens are seeking their own way. They are wanting to have their own friends...go where they want to go...and do what they want to do. Not only is this natural, but it’s healthy. Whether we like it or not, in a few years they will be out on their own discovering what college life is all about and (hopefully) pursuing their careers. So as long as we can all agree that this is completely normal and acceptable we have gotten over hurdle number one. But remember, this not a sprint, it’s a marathon. LOTS of hurdles ahead. But what about us as parents? What’s our role in this whole process? How do we respond to this, and is it healthy for us as well? Let’s take a look at 3 ways we tend to respond. WE RETREAT Sometimes we feel like if they are gonna pull away we should do the same. But there is one problem with that. When one person pulls away and the other pulls away it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to see that there now is a HUGE gap in between. I know personally I have done that and it’s only out of my stubborness. I end up telling myself, “well if (he) is gonna pull away, so am I!” I honestly have never seen this end well. Usually this just creates a wider gap between us, and that is no fun and can be very difficult to overcome. WE PURSUE Yes, fighting for and pursuing the relationship is incredibly important but often times we end up hovering over them and where they were seeking their space, we end up crowding them even more. Guess how they feel? SMOTHERED!! Unfortunately sometimes this accentuates even more rebellious attitudes. (Note: This doesn’t “cause” the rebellion, but their response can sometimes bring even MORE resistance.) When we as parents follow them (physically and metaphorically) when they begin to pull away, we take away the opportunity for them to grow and sometimes even make mistakes. (I know...we don’t want them to make mistakes and get hurt...that’s our parental instinct). But sometimes when we allow them to fall, learning from the mistake and how to get back up is as important as preventing them from falling in the first place. So, if we don’t pull away and we don’t pursue, what do we do? WE STAY Maybe as parents we just need to stand our ground and let them know we aren’t going anywhere. If they wander and for a while lose their way...we are there to welcome back with open arms. When they discover their own space and find success...we are there to celebrate and be their biggest cheerleader. When they move ahead and are hurt...we are there to cry with, hold tight and love unconditionally. Think back to when you first let your kids run off to play with friends while you stayed close enough to watch. You weren’t the one dictating the play or orchestrating the activity. You started seeing them play with friends from a distance. Close enough to run to help if an accident happened but far enough away that they felt like it was just them and their friends. As parents of teens it’s similar to this. We are aware of what’s going on in their lives. (Parents you should know their friends, where they go and how they spend their time.) But for them to know that physically, relationally, and even emotionally you give them their space. That’s part of growing up. And at the end of the day, that’s our God-given opportunity. To help them grow up. At the end of day, your teen just needs to know you are there for them. And you will ALWAYS be no matter what they go through. Through the good times and the bad. You can truly say “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere!” By the way, this article wasn’t just for you. This was for this overprotective dad that oftentimes finds himself chasing and sometimes finds himself retreating. (Let’s just call it my therapy) But it’s when I stay is where we end up finding our healthy parent/teen spot. I just hope and pray I can keep my feet still. Heath